If you don’t have what/whom you love, love what/whom you have

Is it settling? I certainly don’t mean that in a negative way, as people get weary with the term settling, as if it’s the poignant way to say ‘accepting that we’re a loser and must contend with a life that, well, sucks’.

There’s a reason why they call it comfort zone. Because it brings you comfort as you are in your element. Is it such a bad thing to stay in it? Change is inevitable and I believe we are equipped to deal with changes and adapt. When everything changes, it is a good thing to maintain your balance. Do what’s right to feel comfortable and try to be happy.

Since my last post, there have been some changes in my life. I may have lost or alienated once a bestfriend of mine. Whilst I won’t dissect the details (please! I have class :p), let’s just say it is for my best interest that I put the distance between us. This person had been a part of my life for a little longer than my other best friends from different phases of my life. Maybe that’s why I forgot that sooner or later this friendship would take another form. Life (or death) always gets in the way. As I’m silently saying goodbye to what had been a good time of my life, I’m actually pretty fine and I find comfort in my new friends. Sure, one day I may be irrelevant to them (and vice versa), but until that day comes, I will cherish them and enjoy their company.

I also enjoy my company more, as I grow accustomed to finding myself alone. And I learn to love myself with all my flaws and quirks. That’s very important. As people come and go, you could not afford to hate the one person left: yourself.

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Will you take the hit?

My latest addiction with TV series is Scrubs. I love the characters, especially JD which convinces me that I DO have a specific type of guy (cute, child-like, smart but clumsy, funny, a bit of a nerd, a good friend).

In episode 12 of Season 2, I find an interesting quote:

Cause even if it breaks your heart to be ‘just friends’, if you really care about someone, you’ll take the hit.

It’s in the context of having a friendship with an ex who happens to be your good friend/co-worker. JD and Elliot were friends then they dated. But things didn’t work out so they decided to remain friends, until JD realized that he loved her. She thought they didn’t cut out for romance so she said she would like to just stay friends. Although it was very hard for him to accept her decision, he’d still be there for her, let her cry in his shoulder and listened to her problems, saying this to himself: if you really care about someone, you’ll take the hit.

Now, is it true? Okay, the question should be: can anyone do it?

A friend told me recently about her break-up. Her ex said “I should have known from the beginning that you were meant to be my best friend.” In short, he told her he was not sure that she’s ‘the one’. (reminder for all guys: please please don’t use this reason to break up with your girl friend! It hurts like hell).

The ex said he really hoped they could be good friends because he didn’t want to lose her as a friend.

She told me that it’s impossible, at least for now. She is still devastated from the break-up and afraid that having a friendship with him would prevent her from ‘moving on’. As far as sanity is concerned, there are tons of reasoning against this kind of friendship.

1) Being in love is not about being a martyr.-> one of my favorite quotes

2) If by being “just friends” you are going to do yourself emotional damage, and possibly lower your chances of making other relationships work, then it doesn’t seem like a very good idea.

3) It’s difficult to be objective when you are emotionally attached to someone. I mean, how would you feel providing advice to your ex regarding their new girlfriend/love interest?

4) The friendship is not mutual. It is always the one whose feelings have been resolved the fastest who want to be friends. They cannot comprehend that their ex may not have moved on emotionally so fast.

5) Good friendships post-breakups can only happen a long way down the road once emotional baggage is not an issue anymore.

Actually I cannot think of one sensible reason of being friends with someone who’s broken your heart. It’s all in our heart. Very simple: because you love him and you want to be there when he needs you.

Now, will you?




Some Things I Wish I Knew Then

I wish I knew I would not fail my grades if I spent an extra hour with my friends at school/college just to get to know them better.

I wish I knew that friendship is worth more than a valedictorian speech or recognition that I am the best student at school.

I wish I knew that a few extra pounds gained during a holiday or dinner date with my friends were nothing compared to the joy and comfort of friendship they gave me.

I wish I knew that a true friend is the one that accepts me just the way I am and makes me feel good about myself, instead of using me to make him/her feel good about themselves.

I wish I knew that a smile is the best cosmetics of happiness.

I wish I knew that my infectious laughter is my signature (which remembered fondly by my friends), and not my weakness to conceal.

I wish I knew that simple things in life are indeed big things. And those things are worth fighting for.

I wish I knew that if I really really want him for me, it’s not love. It’s a selfish obsession.

I wish I knew that loving someone means so much for me regardless of whether or not my love reciprocates.

I wish I knew that being true to myself is much better than saving my pride. And showing that I care is not something to be ashamed of (kata Gege, cewe gengsian itu ngerugi 😀 )

I wish I knew that sometimes I can be too quick to judge and my hasty judgment can hurt someone that I love.

Platonic Love

Definition of platonic love (Latin: amor platonicus) is love beyond physical attachment, the existence of love despite impossibilities and challenges. According to Wikipedia, platonic love in its modern popular sense is an affectionate relationship into which the sexual element does not enter, especially in cases where one might easily assume otherwise. A simple example of platonic relationships is a deep, non-sexual friendship between two heterosexual people of the opposite sexes.

Love = shared perspective?

Love = shared perspective?

Often manifestation of such love is not marriage, however it is not lesser in value. The famous platonic known to the world is Kahlil Gibran’s love story. One may argue that his works of love would not have been so inspiring had he not been deeply in love with May Ziadeh, a woman he never married to, nor met in person.

Ragini Puri emphasizes it well.

A traditional and conservative society like ours looks on platonic relationships with suspecting eyes. It wonders whether in a friendship, physical attraction between the friends of opposite sexes can be sidestepped, whether platonic relationships – love and friendship without sexual alliance – can exist between a man and a woman. What they fail to understand is that platonic love is actually the sublimation of sexual urges into other forms of desires and attraction. It is love that looked beyond physical bodies to pure thoughts and intellectual stimulation.

Whether you agree or disagree, check out this one.. You can say it’s tragic. I’d say it’s beautiful.

Love one another, but make not a bond of love

Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.

Fill each other’s cup, but drink not from one cup.

Give one another of your bread, but eat not from the same loaf.

Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone,

Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music.

Give your hearts, but not into each other’s keeping;

For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts.

And stand together yet not too near together;

For the pillars of the temple stand apart,

And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other’s shadow.

Kahlil Gibran (The Prophet)

So…do you believe in platonic love? Do you think you can love someone you never kiss (or even never fantasize it)? Should I ask a monk (or a nun) to answer these questions? 😀 Since I’m not a nun (or I should say bhiksuni) I would say ‘nah.. I don’t believe it’s love’. If you don’t have the slightest desire to kiss him/her, then it ain’t love. Maybe it’s a cordial affection or brotherly love or friendship at its best. Yet, one more question lingers, could you develop a platonic love with someone you used to love romantically (or sexually, according to the definition)? Should I ask this to the lovely elderly couple who lives across the street? 😉 Well, I won’t start. They are probably -still- sexually active and me insisting this question will be a display of illicit mockery 😉

Okay, I pick a theme song to suit our mood of platonic love, Hayley Westenra – Both Sides Now. Enjoy!