Jangan Ngeluh

Today I mostly felt like crap. It was a crappy day..no..actually it has been a crappy week. Not really… it started last week. Okay.. whatever. Work sucks, everybody got that. But my situation sucks big time… incompetent people, blame game, bureaucracy, you name it, it’s all there. My personal life is a mess too. So basically I’m swamped with nowhere to shelter.

Then on my way home, I took Trans Jakarta from Harmoni-Grogol-Lebak Bulus. In Grogol I waited for 30 mins before the bus came. In my waiting I met a guy who took his first ride of Trans Jakarta and head to Lebak Bulus, the final destination. I told him this was not his lucky day. That we would hit the traffic jam in Jalan Panjang and we would not get a seat, probably for the most trip. He smiled and said “Ga papa.. ga boleh ngeluh.” I asked why. He replied “Things will not be better. It is the way it is. Complaining doesn’t make any difference.”

I laughed and told him I wanted to see how long he would stand there without a single complain. So I waited. We took the same bus and he stood beside me with his heavy bag. We didn’t say anything and I checked on him from time to time. Everytime he looked tired I smiled and asked him how he was holding up. He always replied “Ga papa… ga boleh ngeluh”. Halfway I got a seat and he still stood in front of me with his heavy briefcase. I offered to hold his bag for him but he politely refused.

Then he said his name is David and asked mine. We had simple conversation on where we live, where we work, and stuff like that. When my stop was coming near, he asked if he could come with me to have a cup of coffee. I smiled and said no. He asked me why. I answered “It’s better this way. Things are good.” He told me his number (0819…) but I just laughed. When he asked me one final question, “Can I see you again?” I just smiled and said “No, I don’t think so…but thanks…” He looked puzzled. I replied… “For your advice :)”

It’s funny how the best lesson in life sometimes comes from a total stranger. God chose him as His messenger to a girl in distress πŸ˜€ So I treated him as one πŸ™‚

For David, if you happen to find this blog: Nice to meet you today! Stay positive and ‘jangan ngeluh’ πŸ˜‰

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Karena Kutahu Engkau Begitu (bagian 2-final)

Ini ketiga kalinya gw menulis ttg cowo KKEB ini πŸ˜€

Dan jangan khawatir pembaca yang budiman, ini adalah tulisan yang terakhir!

Tadi malem.

he: hi, how are u?

me: gud

he: long time no chat. You’ve been busy for the past weeks?

me: not really

he: are u sure?

me: yep

he: u still owe me a cup of coffee

long silence

me: u still owe me my money for buying u sinigang mix

u’ll never eat it anyway but I’d still charge πŸ˜€

he: sorry

I’ll make it up to you

me: it’s okay

he: really..I’m sorry

how about I treat u in a good movie?

long silence

he: are u still there?

Then I signed out.

Okay…gw pernah janji traktir dia ngopi 3 tahun lalu. Dan gw bukannya ga mau nepatin janji gw. Tapi kita berdua tau ini bukan cuma soal kopi.

Soal sinigang mix, tahun lalu gw ke Manila. Gw sms dia dari sana, dia mau nitip apa dari kampung halamannya (cowo KKEB ini kerja lagi di Jakarta sejak Agustus tahun lalu). Dia jawab tolong beliin gw 15 packs of sinigang mix (bumbu instan untuk masakan sejenis Tomyum). Gw beliin. Setelah gw balik gw nanya ini titipan dia gimana, apa mau gw kirim lewat kurir. Dia jawab, no..we’ll meet soon. So we set the place and time. Citos, 7 pm. I was there. For two hours. He didn’t show up.

Gw sms dia, calling him self-centered prick with no concerns of others’ feelings. Dia cuma bisa minta maaf. Berkali2, bilang dia ada masalah sama kerjaannya dan ga bisa ditinggal.

Dia itu sendok…yang udah ngaduk2 perasaan gw.

Temen gw Kampang bener, lawan dari cinta bukanlah benci, melainkan ketidakpedulian. Gw punya banyak alasan untuk benci dia, lebih dari ‘being stood up for two hours’ atau ‘his meaningless apologies’. Dia adalah latar belakang gw pacaran dengan cowo yang gw tau ga tepat buat gw, cuma karena gw patah hati :)) Itulah awal collateral damage sampe 3 tahun ke depan. Bagaikan teori domino, satu demi satu kartu gw berjatuhan. Gw putus nyambung (udah kaya lagu BBB aja :p ) sampe akhirnya putus juga. Gw mengubah rencana hidup gw untuk mengikuti si mantan ke luar negeri (and I quit my job) sampe akhirnya gw drop semua rencana itu karena gw tau gw ga pernah bener2 menginginkannya…dan karena si mantan pun berhenti menginginkan gw. Gw berusaha menata kembali hidup gw yang udah ga jelas ke arah mana. Kemudian, kartu terakhir jatuh. Gw suka sama temen mantan gw.

Kacau kan? Semuanya jadi ga enak. Terutama gw merasa bersalah karena mungkin pertemanan mereka terpengaruh in some ways. Dan itu salah gw. Tapi bisa dong kalo gw nyalahin si cowo KKEB yang menyeret gw ke dalam rentetan masalah ini? πŸ˜€ But the truth is: I don’t blame him. Kalo gw benci sama dia sama aja gw masih ‘merasa’.Β  Gw bangga dengan cara gw menangani semua ini. Tanpa drama, tanpa sms makian, tanpa air mata penyesalan.

Gw berhenti peduli. Saking ga pedulinya, gw lupa kalo dia exist dan cukup terkejut tiap kali dia muncul di layar : hi cute. hi cupcake, hi apple pie (dan lain2 yang enak dimakan..blm pernah sih dia bilang ‘hi pizza’ hehehe).

Pembicaraan tadi malam membuat gw tersenyum. Kalo dulu dia adalah sendok yang mengaduk2 perasaan gw, sekarang bagi gw dia lepek. Ga ngaruh gitu. Gelas penting…buat minum, sendok perlu..buat ngaduk. Lepek? Supaya ga kotor? Halah..ada tisu..ada lap pel :))

(anyway, now as I’m finishing this post he just pops out and says ‘u der?’ πŸ˜› )

Ladies, love the body you’re in

superstock_1613r-101401When Cicero wroteNihil inimicius quam sibi ipse’ (Men is his own worst enemy), I’m sure he didn’t think of women in locker room πŸ˜€ I’m quite certain that he didn’t have a clue that thousands years after, majority of women living today subconsciously hold on to this oracle. It is the determinant ofΒ  many choices women make. For example, women hit the gym after work not to socialize or flirt with well-built, perspiring men (sorry guys… your hard work does not impress us much). We hit the gym because we need some exercise. And we exercise not to ‘stay in shape’. That’s a lame justification that always makes me laugh every time I hear it. Nobody comes to the gym to stay just the way they are. They want to change something. It could be to ‘get in shape’ or to ‘tone up the muscles’. I can think of a million answers as far as the ‘alteration’ (or improvement) is concerned. It could be the bulky belly, fats around the hips, flabby arms, gigantic thighs, and so on and so forth.

So why don’t we cut the crap, save the argument and admit it, we hate our own body! We hate it in a way that sometimes we feel it’s our worst enemy. We run, kick, lift, jump, sweat, stretch, endure until every muscle in our body screams. And we feel good doing it. Until we look around…and see other bodies (who do just the same)…and we feel like crap. It looks like others have perfect figures. They are slender, strong, curvaceous in the right places, and so on and so forth. Why are they here in the first place? They are far more perfect than us. Things get worse in the locker room. Some women are comfortable walking half naked into/out of the bath room, subjected to curious and judgmental eyes. No, we don’t hear any comments made. It’s all in our head. ‘Look at her boobs…wow.. I bet they’re 34B and they hang perfectly.. I wonder why mine are saggy’. ‘Such a perfect waist.. what exercise does she do? Is she on a new diet I haven’t tried?’. ‘Her skin is flawless! Even in sweats she looks gorgeous’. Even in steamy room we still manage to see other bodies through the smoke. The voice in our head never stops. It just keeps going and going… and it’s the reason we keep coming and coming. Because seeing other perfect bodies makes us hate ours even more. And the more we hate our body, the more we do to change it. It’s a vicious circle.

homepage_womanA friend came to a wedding party last weekend. She said to me “The bride was so slim I could hardly recognize her! She used to be chubbier than me. I bet she visited the slimming center and had her bodies all wrapped up. It works.. and it is pricey.”Β  I was nodding in agreement. I took a mental note, if I have enough money I’ll go to a slimming center before my wedding day. I’ll be in my best shape. Then I thought to myself, what if 3 months after the wedding I have put on weight even more than before, that one day a friend comes to my house, sees my wedding picture and asks me “Who is that beautiful lady?” Touche. That later thought made me stop all the urges to come to slimming centers.

I’m not going to lie… I have this gym membership because I need to fix some areas too. In the first months, I was frustrated because I felt like I worked hard but nothing changed (while everyone else seems to enjoy better success). Then I stopped thinking of my body as my enemy. I know it’s a battle I cannot win. Even if I have endless legs like those of supermodels, I will always find something to complain about. I try to appreciate my own body and instead of taking notes of the ugly and gruesome details, I think about its strengths and loyalty to me. For instance, I don’t have beautiful legs/feet. But I have two very strong feet that have taken me everywhere. They even endured my backpacking trips in high heels πŸ˜€ They never complained. Yes, I know they are bigger than they’re supposed to *sob sob* but I have to be grateful that they never cause me problem. I show my love to them with pretty shoes and stilettos and wedges. Now they can choose which pair they want to wear from my 30+ collection πŸ˜›

And for the locker room thingy, until now I still look at other women bodies with awe and admiration. But now I refuse to listen to the voices in my head anymore πŸ™‚ I just focus on myself and get dress quickly after showering. And when other women stare at me, I’d hold my breath and hope they look down. DON’T LOOK AT ME. JUST LOOK AT MY SHOES!!!