Within last week, I’ve experienced two earthquakes which made me-along with others-left the building in a rush, using emergency stairs of course. I didn’t think much when it was happening but afterwards something bumped my head, the thinking of our mortality and our transient life. Yes, we can die anytime of anything: disease, accident, murder, or natural calamity. And maybe we wouldn’t be that fortunate (or unfortunate?) to have some thoughts cross our minds before we die. Maybe we would black out and wake up realizing (or maybe not..) we’re dead. I’m not going to talk about life after death here, I’m too inexperienced to talk about such issues… ;-p
Somewhat related to my previous entry on early 20’s crisis, as you all may have guessed what I’m talking about, the main thing I want to emphasize here is I’M DAMN TOO YOUNG TO DIE! Maybe we will argue that no matter how old we are, we would never be completely prepared to die. Nonetheless I think we have so-called ideal portrayal or prerequisites that all of us yearn for before we die. Things such as family (at least a husband/wife), recognition, knowledge (this includes experiences and expertise, for instance climb Himalayas or travel around the world), and some kind of satisfactions gained from having lived long enough as a human being.
I haven’t accomplished any single above-mentioned-prerequisites. I’m 23 years young, single, have no ‘significant other’, never been overseas (even I’ve never been outside Java!), haven’t got any expertise to be proud of, and above all I haven’t found inner peace or known essential pilgrim of my life. That’s why the idea of dying young gets me a chill. It’s because if it happens to me, I’ll feel that life has failed me (or the other way around).
These days I often find myself in deep thought about things I’ve been going through. I hate those moments because many times I end up not knowing what I should do next or which path I have to choose. I don’t know where I’m supposed to be or where I’m heading to… Two options are enough to give me a hard time, figuring out which one is the best. And sadly, this life gives us privilege of having a wide range of possibilities. That doesn’t necessarily mean a bad thing, of course. Yet for someone prone to be indecisive like me such situations leave me helpless and paralyzed in some sense.
At the moment I’m writing this entry, I’ve just got myself into a situation where I have more than one options to consider in my career and life in general. Things become so perplexing. I hope soon I will have the honor to understand a little bit more about my own journey. See? I’m just a f*cked up girl who tries to find a peace of mind… That’s why I don’t understand those guys who have thought that my presence made a difference in their lives or I have enlightened them in one way. How come I enlighten someone else while I’m finding it so difficult to enlighten myself?