A Reminder

     When things go wrong as they sometimes will,
     When the road you’re trudging seems all up hill,
     When the funds are low and the debts are high,
     And you want to smile, but you have to sigh,
     When care is pressing you down a bit,
     Rest if you must, but don’t you quit.
     Life is queer with its twists and turns,
     As everyone of us sometimes learns,
     And many a failure turns about
     When he might have won had he stuck it out;
     So don’t give up, though the pace seems slow –
     For you may succeed with another blow.
     Often the goal is nearer than
     it seems to a fain and faltering man,
     Often the struggler has given up,
     When he might have captured the victor’s cup.
     And he learned too late when the night
     slipped down,
     How close he was to the golden crown.
     Success is failure, turned inside out,
     The silver tint of the clouds of doubt.
     And you never can tell how close you are,
     It may be near when it seems afar;
     So stick to the fight when you’re hardest hit,
     It’s when things seem worst that you
     mustn’t quit.
 

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Mid 20’s Crisis

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Two years ago I wrote about Early 20’s Crisis. Time flies so fast and here I am, twenty-five and single. Not yet rich, not yet successful, not yet emotionally matured. My goal of pursuing masters is still around the corner (the euphemism for not yet attained). My dream of being Mrs. XXX hasn’t been materialized. Why? Because there is not Mr. XXX or YYY or AAA in my life right now. Nada. Zip. None.

 

Am I facing another set of crisis? Yes, I think so.

 

I do achieve some of my goals I wrote 5 years ago. Let’s see:

Overseas holiday with my own money:

Watch a concert of international singer/band:

Have own savings:

 

And those not yet achieved are:

Ideal weight (no comment) >_<

Bungee jumping (I think I can do it this year, just don’t know whom I would ask for company)

 

I did okay huh? Three out of five.

 

I read somewhere that if we write down our objectives, we have increased our chance of materializing it by 50%. I don’t know if it is true but it works on me J

 

Overall my stats are so-so.

  1. Career

Still working at the same company, transferred to different department (better one) 😛

I haven’t gained permanent status. It’s okay though. I don’t plan to stick around for long, anyway. Hope this year I finally make it to masters. I have no choice actually. As for now, I am single with no prospect of marriage. That’s why I rely on my career. I have to make the best of it or else I will have nothing. If I don’t get back to school, I will find it hard to compete. Surely I won’t make the same mistake by accepting an opportunity that offers temporary solution.

 

  1. Money

I did too much shopping and as a result, my savings is not as much as it should be. *Sigh*

I have prepared the money for application-related needs. Hope I still have enough to buy a laptop. Or I have to ask for my father’s support 😀 Oh no…it’s my dignity at stake. I have already refused his generous offer of holiday allowance. I have to stand on my two feet (of course, who would want to carry a big girl like me? :p).

 

  1. Love

Can we skip this part? :p

Well, I have received a lot of wedding invitations last two years even from some friends I would not expect. There were some couples who have seen each other for 3 months before deciding to get married. There were some others who ended their long courtship in the wedding altar. And of course there are people like me, reluctantly come to friends’ wedding and ate too much out of frustration! It’s not envy. It’s loneliness that comes with every amicable split. She no longer hangs out after hours or calls me late at night. Life goes on. What can I say?

 

  1. Fun activities

I do well in this particular area! I tried wildwater rafting in Citatih River earlier this month. I watched Incubus on 5th. I went to Bangkok for the first time last week, second time for KL and S’pore. Went to Dufan last year (yeay!!!), went karaoke more often, tried out new restaurants and cafés regularly, did a lot of online shopping, swam more often (two kilo metres in one hour). I plan to go bungee jumping this year. I still don’t know how I can get there but it’s 50% motivation that counts! And my target next year is New Zealand. *so help me God* hehehehehe….

 

By the way, a tarot reader I consulted last year said that I would meet someone new this year. Let’s see if he was talking real deal, instead of s*its 😀

But other fortune teller suggested me to stay in touch with my ex because she was not sure I will meet someone better. So between the tarot reader and fortune teller, who is the real mystic? I’ll keep you posted 😉

 

Can Women Have It All?

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This topic was discussed on Oprah last week or so. Had you watched it, you would know what I was going to talk about. First of all, there is a familiarity when I heard it. I mean this has been popped out a lot in every girlfriends’ talk. For those of you, so-called working mums you know exactly how hard it is to juggle motherhood and career. There must be mornings when you were about to burst into tears when your son told you he had not done his homework and at the same time your boss called you to remind you about an important meeting you could not be coming late to. Yes, domestic crises and professional dilemmas can break out any time. You would feel like you were punished for not loving your children enough. You would wish your boss or your colleagues show a little sympathy –or much better-understanding that you NEED to leave earlier for your daughter’s ballet class.

 

Nonetheless, do you actually think that stay-at-home mums are perfectly happy? Reflecting upon my own mum’s experience, I seriously doubt it. Being a melancholic typed of person, she is very composed and organized. She was the brightest student in her class but my grandpa would not let her go to college because of her gender role. It was 1975, what can you expect? Then she dedicated her brilliance to help building her family’s business and of course, domestic work. She cooked, sewed, cleaned the housed and washed the clothes, all done manually in a very effective manner. Until now, as her daughter I failed to, at least, have half of her prowess. It may be because she is much of a perfectionist that she would not let me mess up her kitchen or her effective-already method of ironing. Yet I know the truth. She was not enthusiastic to share her domestic skill because she thought it was a total waste of talent. She would murmur in her famed pout ‘Am I making any money by cleaning this house or ironing your shirts? Nope.’

Yep, she is never proud of her excellent career as a housewife.

 

She is the reason I studied so hard to ensure a college degree, and afterwards a promising career. Looking back, I don’t think I would make it without her constant support and 24-hour loving presence. The tickling question is what would I have turned out to be if my mum had been a working mum? With no mum to cook my favorite lunch or pick me up from afternoon class? Would I be less of a studious girl and more of attention-seeking person? Maybe I would have my first date at the age of 16, instead of 22! Or maybe I would have failed in Ebtanas because I was crying all night, broken-hearted. I don’t know but deep down I am sure that I would not be the same person I am now had I been raised by a working mum.

 

Life is a big joke, isn’t it? What would my mum say if I told her someday I want to quit my job and stay at home for my children? Hahaha…I cannot imagine her response. In fact, she often jokes that when I get married and produce grand children for her, she would not mind to babysit my children for me while I am at work. Well, that day is still only in my wildest dream. I don’t have any plans of getting married before I turn 27. Meanwhile, let me think of my options!

 

LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT

Are you love?

My first encounter with this poem by Wislawa Szymborska (a Nobel prize winner) occured two years ago when I watched Turn Left Turn Right, a movie starred Takeshi Kaneshiro and Gigi Leung. Gigi played a translator who was doing translation of best-selling horror series yet she was far more interesting in translating Szymborska’s Love At First Sight. I believe that the poem is the spirit of the story and it touches everyone who reads it.I personally don’t believe such cheesy romantic stuffs as ‘love at first sight’, ‘dancing in the moonlight’, or ‘happily ever after’. Nevertheless this poem has just got the better of me since the first time I watched the movie. It’s moving yet logical, romantic yet honest… I do believe that everything happens for a reason, and everything’s made for the BIG thing. There’s no such thing as concidence. Fate makes things intertwined one another, at first we would not recognize its astonishing work of arts but there will come a day that we shake our heads and exclaim ‘So…this is it..!’I will say no more and leave you with English translation of Szymborska’s Love At First Sight. Enjoy! Hold in mind that,

Every beginning
is only a sequel, after all,
and the book of events
is always open halfway through’

LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT

They’re both convinced
that a sudden passion joined them.
Such certainty is more beautiful,
but uncertainty is more beautiful still.
Since they’d never met before, they’re sure
that there’d been nothing between them.
But what’s the word from the streets, staircases, hallways–
perhaps they’ve passed by each other a million times?
I want to ask them
if they don’t remember–
a moment face to face
in some revolving door?
perhaps a “sorry” muttered in a crowd?
a curt “wrong number”caught in the receiver?–
but I know the answer.
No, they don’t remember.

They’d be amazed to hear
that Chance has been toying with them
now for years.

Not quite ready yet
to become their Destiny,
it pushed them close, drove them apart,
it barred their path,
stifling a laugh,
and then leaped aside.

There were signs and signals,
even if they couldn’t read them yet.
Perhaps three years ago
or just last Tuesday
a certain leaf fluttered
from one shoulder to another?
Something was dropped and then picked up.
Who knows, maybe the ball that vanished
into childhood’s thicket?

There were doorknobs and doorbells
where one touch had covered another
beforehand.
Suitcases checked and standing side by side.
One night. perhaps, the same dream,
grown hazy by morning.

Every beginning
is only a sequel, after all,
and the book of events
is always open halfway through 

Best Days

Just come back from the holiday. Got nothing to do (yet) at work, so I decide to rant and rave on this blog I’ve been abandoning for two months…

This time I rekindle my motivation to update my blog more often. Hahaha.. who knows? Maybe this year I will be very busy that my blog will officially enter hiatus mode! Until that time comes, I’ll try to keep writing.

For starters, let me begin with my stories of Bangkok, KL, and Singapore. Those 5 days were the best days of my life. Bangkok was grrrrrreaaaat! I am not exaggerating, believe me J We spent the night roaming the night market of Pratunam (thanks to Ci Enny for recommending Baiyoke Suite Hotel). A truly unique shopping spree, it offers clothes, pashmina, souvenirs, t-shirts, food at affordable price. I had a lot of fun there, bargaining and practicing my Thai 😛 Basic stuff like Sawasdee ka (Hello), Tao rai? (How much?), Lod dai mai? (Can I have a discount?), Kob Khun ka (Thank you), and Hong nam (Toilet). Unluckily, they took them as a hint that we were locals and they responded with long sentences in Thai 😀

We also visited some temples such as the one with Standing Buddha and Golden Mountain. Got no time to visit Wat Po and Grand Palace because they had a religious ceremony and open for tourists only after 1 PM. It’s okay though. I pledge myself, I will come back to visit those places. I’ll bring my family with me next time J I mean Mom, Dad, and Sis. Not family as it is of hubby and kids. Hehehehehehe…

In one temple, I released 3 birds in a cage (bought them for 100 baths). I wonder if they are still flying freely in Bangkok sky now. Hope they are fine… In some terms, they remind me of myself. Being in a cage (mine is invisible), longing for a lending hand to set us free and soar up high… I did myself a favor by releasing them. It gave me a new hope.

On the third day, I flew back to KL. Got very little time to drop our luggage in KL Plaza (an apartment we rented while we were in KL) and caught the bus to Singapore. Someone played know-it-all and directed us to the wrong terminal. We were so lucky that our tickets were finally given OK status after long argue. Next time I’ll take night train Senandung Malam as my previous trip with Monik. The bus was okay though. There was a personal TV for each seat, a luxury I refused by sleeping for half the trip. I had my period since the first day of our trip, the worst part of the journey. I was tired easily, had cramps around my abdomen, and had to change ‘diapers’ often. I even had nose bleeding in Singapore due to exhaustion.

Singapore was awesome. Period. What can I say? This city never stops mesmerizing me. I’d work in Singapore and play in Bangkok, if it was for me to choose J I also had a mind-boggling encounter there. I don’t know if it was for real or it was just me being vulnerable. Being a chatty person, people often assume that I mingle easily or I have no problem to connect with others. That is not true. I am not very comfortable meeting up new people. Thus, when I feel that comfort, it is difficult to let it go. But I am getting older. Naïvette doesn’t have a place, it’s swapped with complication. Yes it is sad to meet someone you can connect with, only to realize that you may not have the chance to know him/her a little better. Well at least that’s what I feel now. Feelings do change so I should not worry too much J  

   

If love was coffee, what would you like to order?

Bittersweet of coffee (and love)

I once popped this silly question on my YM status and was surprised that some of my friends actually responded to it. After I listened and had some creative thoughts, I came up with potential hints of the way people see love solely based upon their answers.

Here are some of the answers.

 

  1. Milk coffee

Okay, this one is simple. It may raise some eyebrows as we are getting more and more accustomed to hearing foreign, sophisticated names such as frappucinno, espresso or stuffs like that. Yet I think people who pick milk coffee understand the sense of simplicity in love. They are laid back, humble, and not dragged to daydreaming of idyllic romance.

  1. Caramel macchiato

Aha! I know many of you would pick this (thanks to Starbucks). What would I say? Ummm…you are modern –that’s a easy to tell-, like to play in a game called love, often a social butterfly but loves to play hard to get. Definitely want someone equally sophisticated and comfortable with. Some clever advice from me : do consider people on the other line, people who you call nerds. They have interesting things to offer too J

  1. Green tea frappucinno

Here comes the hybrid of two fore-mentioned types. They love to call themselves ‘down to earth’, easy going, and girl/boy next door. However, they look certain qualities when it comes to hunting season. It’s so hard to explain what exactly they crave that they cannot tell. As a result, they may not find it easy to find someone who is right for them. Not surprisingly, they can get seriously hurt as much as –on the other side- break some hearts along the way.

  1. Chocolate Royal

Only one person chose this : the one and only Monika Nurul Pratiwi (what a great introduction Mon, you should thank me for this, hehehe…). Didn’t I say that the question was about coffee? Then why did you answer Chocolate Royal anyway? *scratching head*

Needless to say, she is one of a kind. She comes up with unique and original ideas while maintaining the hip image and following recent trends. In love, she is a real flirt. Refuses any kind of categorizing, she manages to have a relatively successful ‘officially unofficial relationship’. Two thumbs up!

  1. Milk

A genuinely good person, you don’t expect too much from your spouse. You’re supposed to be the most content lover, except for the fact that you can be too naïve and vulnerable. It’s okay to express the depth of your emotions as you have to learn that other people have varying standards and demand some complexity in order to start paying attention to you.

 

Of course that was just my interpretation of correlating things that seem to be completely irrelevant. Yet they may not be as irrelevant as we see them the first time. Coffee, as well as love, gives us good times and offer some relieve when the world outside is too much to bear. No wonder both can cause addiction! Little is good for your health but don’t overindulge which results in more and more cups (or love) needed. The least dangerous side effect is SD (Sleep Deprivation) which I’m sure every one of us has experienced J

Lisa Metzger on My Love Life

Why are you getting yourself into trouble? If you’re smart enough to know that it makes sense to marry someone from the same background and it does, any of the studies will show you that, as far as the divorce rates go. Then you should be smart enough to know not to start something where nothing can come out of it. You’re only going to make a mess.

Words of wisdom above are quoted from Lisa Metzger’s line in PRIME. Lisa (Merryl Streep), a psychiatrist whose son is involved in juicy love relationship with her patient, a 36 year-old divorcee. Torn apart between her professionalism and her personal belief that her son deserves someone who equally shares similar backgrounds, Lisa tries to discourage her son and also her patient with reasoning and logical grounds. The story has predictable ending-especially for someone rational like me!-the couple ends their relationship.

After watching this movie, I got more complete picture about love and relationship, a never-ending struggle between heart and head, and the middle way (if any) that can brings you a sort of balanced approach when you’re dealing with them.

I reflected upon my own love-life (if I can call it so ;-p). I’ve been in love with three guys and none of them shares similar background with me. The sequence of the battle is more or less the same : head-heart-head. Of course in the end my head prevails. Since I don’t believe in love at the first sight, I started off with those three guys with neutral feelings. We were simply friends (not best friends, because I also don’t buy the idea that best friends can be lovers and vice versa). On one horrible moment, I realized I like him. The feeling was so strong that it could drastically change my mood. Suddenly life felt so beautiful and everything changed into colors. You must have heard this a million times or even experienced it yourself. Then if you have a crush on someone, how can you be smart enough to weigh your compatibility? I wasn’t smart because I liked those incompatible guys. My first love is a Christian. The second guy is a preacher’s son. And the third is Christian and engaged (he’s been with his girlfriend for 7 years now). I haven’t been in touch with them for years and it just approved my belief that we can’t continue be friends after we got struck by love. Yes, Lisa is right. I made a mess by starting something where nothing could come out of it.

 

Yet the question remains… Did I learn something from my mistakes and those messy ‘relationships’?

 

Yes, absolutely.

 

I learn that loving someone makes you a better person. Even though your care and love focus solely on that person you love, it is still good. You are not the same old self-centered individual when you are in love. You want the best for them and you want them to be happy.

 

I learn that liking someone is one thing. And hold responsibility of having that feeling is another. Ideally we should finish what we started but when it comes to love, sometimes we would instead run away and act like a coward. This recently-grasped knowledge makes me more considerate and careful with other’s feelings as well as mine. I won’t deliberately spread needles everywhere I go and laugh when someone steps on it and cries…

 

I learn to tell the difference between love and temporary attraction or even the worst of all, lust. Sometimes you’re just bored with your everyday life that you search for another kind of adventure. This is almost always driven by your ego and selfishness and only leads you to nothing. Thinking about having fun? Well get your own pleasure, don’t mess with someone else’s feelings. Especially for you that are MARRIED. Don’t make up any excuses for your ‘innocent curiosity’. Once you tie the knot, you give your vow. And if you easily break it, you harass your own value as human being. It makes you worthless. You’d better die.

 

I learn that religion is paramount in a person’s life. It’s very unfair that your spouse or even you, have to change belief to be able to start life together. How can you expect to start your life when you choose to lose yourself beforehand? There are some people who are not so religious and they have no problem changing their religion. But religion is not merely ritual. It has far-reaching effects on your life that you may not realize. Can you retain that spiritual (beyond religions) well-being when you say your prayers in a new manner?

 

Besides that, I know I fell in love with a few good men. All three have good qualities I search in a man. We had that chemistry and could talk at ease. We shared similar interests so it was like talking in the same language. With the third guy, we often talked at the same time and continued each other’s sentences (it was very obvious that we clicked). I never regret that I was in love because the experience’s all worth it.

After all, what does the concept of love really mean? Does the end game have to be marriage and children? Can you love someone for a finite amount of time and not be considered a failure? Maybe we’re meant to be in each other’s lives for a certain amount of time.

Some relationships clearly are meant to be forever, some aren’t. Can both be positive, both be love?

 

For me the answer is yes.

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